July 9, 2010

Announcing the WONDER-TONIC iPHONE APP!

These days, the internet is on phones. So finally, after years of development, the WONDER-TONIC iPhone app is now ready for release! With this app, you’ll have the entire world at your phone-gertips! This revolutionary app will make Facebook, Google, Foursquare, Twitter, and air travel obsolete! So what’s so revolutionary?

First: NO DOWNLOAD OR INSTALLATION REQUIRED

That’s right! None! All you have to do is call (480)-81-TONIC and you can start using the app hassle-free, with no cost, download, installation, or shipping!

Second: SEVENTH-GENERATION VOICE RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY

After you hear the impressively human-sounding Wonder-Tonic AppBot greet you, wait for the beep and simply use your voice to command the app to do various tasks! In just 10 minutes to 85 hours, the app will work its magic and text you the answer (standard messaging rates apply!)!

Here are some commands! The app features NANOSMARTHANDS, so it can learn new commands too!

"Nearest Italian Restaurant To My Area Code"

"First Wikipedia citation for _______"

Land Before Time IMDb credit”

"Showtune lyric"

"Doom 2 cheat code"

"Bear attack survival tips"

"Latest news from Worthington, Ohio"

"Endangered status of the Black Rhino"

and more!

Call (480)-81-TONIC to use the app right now!

May 28, 2010

Dunston Checks In Chrome Extension

Dunston Checks In developer Nigel has used my highly useful Dunston Checks In API to create an even more useful Dunston Checks In Chrome Extension. Now, instead of having to open a new window and search for memorable quotes from your favorite monkey-terrorizing-a-hotel movie, you can get a quote with a single click of a button. 

Google Chrome users, install it now!

Also, reserve your spots now for the World Wide Dunston Checks In Developers Conference (WWDCIDC). Spaces are filling up and my keynote is going to be a game-changer!

April 29, 2010

Facebook Users Outraged That Personal Information They Currently Share With Distant Acquaintances and Friends of Friends May Now Be Seen By Strangers

Following Facebook’s recent revisions to its privacy policy, many users are lashing out against the social network, angry that deep personal details they share with ex-co-workers, friends of friends of grade school friends, and people they met once during college orientation may now be shared with total strangers.

Under the new privacy policy, Facebook can share basic user information such as names, profile pictures, “likes,” and interests with anyone unless users opt-out. This is a drastic break from the previous system, in which such details could only be shared with someone that the user approved blindly while checking email or the user’s network of hundreds-of-thousands of strangers who all happened to go to the same college or live in the same city as the user in the past half-century.

"I think it’s creepy," said one user on a message board, "Now when I do well in Farmville or post messages about how hammered I got last night, it won’t just be limited to my tight-knit group of classmates from high school I don’t talk to, people with the same last name as me, and Arizona State Communications majors. Anybody can see it.”

Other users expressed sadness that Facebook is no longer the deeply private place that it once was, wondering where they could go now to safely post updates about their breakfasts, hookups, and passive-aggressive notes about the poor attendance to their baby showers. Said one user, “I guess Twitter is the only safe place for private expression now.”

April 21, 2010

New Mr. Coffee Will Not Support Flash

At this morning’s keynote speech, Jarden Corporation CEO Martin E. Franklin set the tech world abuzz with his announcement of the newest Mr. Coffee: the DW12. With a Removable Filter Basket, On/Off Switch, and Cord Storage, the DW12 promises to revolutionize the way consumers think about coffeemakers. But there was one glaring omission: support for Adobe Flash Player.

Critics claim the decision removes users’ access to a large portion of web content. Users will be unable to use Flash video sites like Hulu or YouTube, or play Flash games like Canabalt while drip-brewing. They see the move as further evidence of Mr. Coffee and its parent company Jarden closing the exciting new Mr. Coffee platform to third-party developers and tools.

Franklin responded that Flash would damage the stability of the DW12, causing inconsistent brews and frequent spills. He acknowledged that “Flash was once a part of the necessary coffee-making landscape,” but the recent adoption of standards by the major brands of coffee grounds have made HTML5, CSS3, and H.264 “the future of the drip-brew.”

Adobe has yet to comment. Analysts predict that while the lack of Flash support on the DW12 is a huge blow to Adobe, it will remain focused on its recent partnership with Jack LaLanne Power Juicers.

March 16, 2010
smartphone comparison chart

smartphone comparison chart

January 28, 2010

Hot On The Heels Of Apple iPad Unveiling, Microsoft Announces Rival Product: “Just A Huge Fucking Zune”

Just A Huge Fucking ZuneJust a day after Apple captured the attention of tech world with its groundbreaking new iPad, a high-powered mobile device similar to the iPhone but larger, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced a new rival product called “Just A Huge Fucking Zune.”

"You know what, fuck you guys," said Ballmer in the opening moments of his keynote address. "I’ve given you tablet computers for years. And nobody gives a flying fuck," he continued, "but here comes Steve fucking Jobs and everybody pretends like this fickle old fucking wench of a computing device category never even fucking existed." Ballmer then angrily advanced his PowerPoint slides to reveal the new product: a twelve-by-ten-inch Zune MP3 player.

Ballmer announced the new device would come in 8GB and 16GB sizes. As for other features, he explained, “it’s just a big fucking Zune, okay?” and then stormed off stage to “go scrap the fucking Surface department.”

January 13, 2010

ESPN To Broadcast NFL Games in Virtual Boy 3D

In an industry first, ESPN will begin broadcasting select NFL games in full Virtual Boy 3D. This comes hot on the heels of numerous announcements at CES of Virtual Boy-equipped television sets from all major manufacturers. We’ll just have to wait and see if this is ushers in a new era of red-tinted, goggle-based television, or if it is just a passing fad.

November 24, 2009

Perdue Announces New Line of Netflix-Ready Chicken Breasts

Netflix-ready chicken breastsIn a stunning play for a greater share of the poultry and on-demand media markets, Perdue, maker of  cooked and uncooked poultry products, today announced its new line of Netflix-ready chicken breasts. The breasts, long-speculated about by analysts, feature an Intel Atom processor, a 720p 60Hz LCD screen, wireless-g connectivity, and 48 grams of protein. Seen as “game-changers” by many in the industry, Perdue’s new chicken breasts will easily connect to users’ home wireless networks, sync with their Netflix Instant Queues, and provide a light-but-filling protein in salads, pastas, and entrees.

Perdue spokespeople struck a jubilant tone after finally dealing a blow to other poultry manufactures like Butterball, which has seen large profit gains since its introduction of slot-loading Blu-Ray players into its whole uncooked turkeys. While the new breasts seem promising, some questions remain, like whether the breasts will have HDMI outputs and whether they will stay moist when broiled.

November 9, 2009

Blurry leaked photo of Apple Tablet confirms rumors that white males aged 18-35 are actively ignoring two wars, a recession, and imminent ecological disaster.

After pictures from Cupertino leaked to the internet today, it appears the rumors are true. White males aged 18-35 are desperately trying to distract themselves from the onslaught of depressing— if not terrifying—- news about the military, social, economic, and ecological states of their world.

After the picture first appeared on engadget at 8am, comments poured in from white males eager to believe a new tablet was the most important news of the day. “Holy shit, is that an HDMI port?” user VistaSux asked, clearly trying not to acknowledge the horrific car bomb that exploded in an Iraqi market the day before. Seconds after, user AnrdoidBoy28 responded “R u f-ing serious? It’s probably just another bastardized proprietary display port that Steve Jobs will make u pay $40 for the adapter.” This set off a flurry of responses by white males eager to not have to question why numerous Americans continue to die in Iraq even after electing a President who ran on the platform that the war was useless.

Finally, some consensus was reached by WaveFanatic84 who reminded everyone not that in 30-40 years most of the east cost will have been swallowed by rising sea levels, but that the display output of a tablet is essentially irrelevant, stating “Zune has HD output. Big whoop.” Many users then agreed, and decided they would need to see more pictures to make a decision and to further distract themselves from the nation’s double-digit unemployment rate.

With that, white males were then able to move on to questions of the quality/makeup of the tablet’s bezel and forget about the growing quagmire of the oft-forgotten but ever-worsening war in Afghanistan.