February 15, 2011

Swimwear Industry Celebrates Release of Annual Trade Publication

After months of planning, executives from America’s top swimwear manufacturers celebrated the completion of their industry’s yearly journal of successes, technical innovations, and prominent players. Although largely unnoticed by the general public due to its impenetrable jargon about “bodypaint” and “the world’s hottest female athletes”, the annual record has for years provided industry-insiders with essential information and often dictates the direction of the swimwear business for the coming year. 

December 12, 2010

4chan Declares War On Snow

A loosely-organized group of internet activists known as Anonymous announced on Sunday that it was declaring war on the meteorologic phenomenon known as snow. The hacker group, born out of the influential internet messageboard 4chan and responsible for the recent attacks against MasterCard and PayPal, explained in a statement that it would do everything in its power to shut snow down by attacking the Weather Channel and North Face websites, boycotting outerwear, and voting for the sun as Time’s 2010 Person Of The Year.

UPDATE: As of 3pm, the Weather Channel website is down but flurries are still expected across most of the Midwest.

November 17, 2010

TSA Announces Facebook Integration For Full Body Scanners

John Pistole, the head of the Transportation Security Administration, announced yesterday that full body scanners at airports across the nation will be seamlessly integrated with Facebook next month, allowing travelers to save, tag, and share their near-naked security photos with friends, family, and co-workers through the popular social networking site. Immediately after being subjected to a scan, the traveler’s photo will be automatically uploaded to a public album on Facebook and tagged accordingly. According to Pistole, this cutting-edge integration will allow travelers to stay more connected than ever with their social networks, letting Facebook users know when their friends have made it through airport security and if they are smuggling weapons in their rectums in real time.

Foursquare integration is rumored to be rolled out in 2011.

November 2, 2010

Election Night 2010: Final House Party Projections

  1. Kid will try to convince Pop to let him go to Play’s party but Pop won’t let him - 90% (after 10,000 simulations)
  2. George Clinton will be DJ-ing the Alpha Delta Sigma reunion - 86% (after 15,000 simulations)
  3. Stab, Pee-Wee, and Zilla will be unable to break up the party - 94% (after 20,000 simulations)

September 24, 2010

GameStop Customer Already Fantasizing About Marrying Female Cashier

CHICAGO, IL - After only a few seconds, 32 year-old GameStop customer Jeff Hendricks has already begun fantasizing about marrying Elizabeth Mitchell, the sole female employee of the video game retailer’s north side Chicago franchise. Although their relationship has so far consisted of Hendricks placing a copy of Mafia II on the counter and Mitchell commenting “good choice,” it has been enough to lead Hendricks to imagine a brief but passionate courtship, a spectacular proposal atop the Empire State Building, and decades spent growing old together. He can only assume that Mitchell’s offer to sign him up for an Edge Membership Card means that she would not be opposed to having two-to-four kids and settling down in a beautiful house near the foot of a mountain, maybe in Colorado.

June 6, 2010

Subsequent Nine Months Of Chemistry Class Fail To Live Up To Awesome Explosion Demonstrated On First Day

Students in Donald Hummel’s third period chemistry class at Bellmore High School expressed disappointment yesterday over the failure of Hummel’s year-long curriculum to live up to the totally awesome explosion he showed them on the first day.

On August 31st, Hummel created a controlled explosion in the first ten minutes of class, reportedly by combining “some kind of liquid and some baking powder-looking stuff.” Hummel followed the experiment with the declaration that what they had just seen was chemistry, and that was what they would be learning this year. Sixteen year-old Nate Davis described the resulting fireball as “pretty damn awesome,” adding that it was probably the coolest thing that happened in the first day of school.

But now, with the school year over in just a few days, many students feel cheated and misled. They claim that what they learned in class did not have the excitement or danger of the first day’s fireball. “We spent the entire year seeing if white stuff would show up when we dripped one thing onto another thing,” claimed seventeen year-old Amanda Barker. Other students echoed similar sentiments, declaring that learning how big a mole is was not at all as cool as creating an enormous fireball.

Sixteen year-old Phil Barkley summed up the sentiments of the class, asking “how much shit do I have to titrate before I can make something explode?”

April 29, 2010

Facebook Users Outraged That Personal Information They Currently Share With Distant Acquaintances and Friends of Friends May Now Be Seen By Strangers

Following Facebook’s recent revisions to its privacy policy, many users are lashing out against the social network, angry that deep personal details they share with ex-co-workers, friends of friends of grade school friends, and people they met once during college orientation may now be shared with total strangers.

Under the new privacy policy, Facebook can share basic user information such as names, profile pictures, “likes,” and interests with anyone unless users opt-out. This is a drastic break from the previous system, in which such details could only be shared with someone that the user approved blindly while checking email or the user’s network of hundreds-of-thousands of strangers who all happened to go to the same college or live in the same city as the user in the past half-century.

"I think it’s creepy," said one user on a message board, "Now when I do well in Farmville or post messages about how hammered I got last night, it won’t just be limited to my tight-knit group of classmates from high school I don’t talk to, people with the same last name as me, and Arizona State Communications majors. Anybody can see it.”

Other users expressed sadness that Facebook is no longer the deeply private place that it once was, wondering where they could go now to safely post updates about their breakfasts, hookups, and passive-aggressive notes about the poor attendance to their baby showers. Said one user, “I guess Twitter is the only safe place for private expression now.”

April 21, 2010

New Mr. Coffee Will Not Support Flash

At this morning’s keynote speech, Jarden Corporation CEO Martin E. Franklin set the tech world abuzz with his announcement of the newest Mr. Coffee: the DW12. With a Removable Filter Basket, On/Off Switch, and Cord Storage, the DW12 promises to revolutionize the way consumers think about coffeemakers. But there was one glaring omission: support for Adobe Flash Player.

Critics claim the decision removes users’ access to a large portion of web content. Users will be unable to use Flash video sites like Hulu or YouTube, or play Flash games like Canabalt while drip-brewing. They see the move as further evidence of Mr. Coffee and its parent company Jarden closing the exciting new Mr. Coffee platform to third-party developers and tools.

Franklin responded that Flash would damage the stability of the DW12, causing inconsistent brews and frequent spills. He acknowledged that “Flash was once a part of the necessary coffee-making landscape,” but the recent adoption of standards by the major brands of coffee grounds have made HTML5, CSS3, and H.264 “the future of the drip-brew.”

Adobe has yet to comment. Analysts predict that while the lack of Flash support on the DW12 is a huge blow to Adobe, it will remain focused on its recent partnership with Jack LaLanne Power Juicers.

April 9, 2010

Aztec Descendants Sue Nickelodeon For Desecration of Hidden Temple

After weeks of negotiations ended in an impasse, a group of Aztec descendants have filed a lawsuit against Nickelodeon, claiming the television network “repeatedly and shamefully” desecrated their ancestors’ Hidden Temple from 1993 to 1995. The group alleges that Nickelodeon and its parent company Viacom knowingly and willfully sent teams of children into the sacred holy site to play games of mental and physical strength, resulting in damage to countless artifacts and relics.

The lawsuit cites specific damages to “the Pendants of Life,” “the Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman,” and “the Shrine of the Silver Monkey,” as well as punitive damages for the “psychological grief caused by the mockery of their ancestors’ sacred God, Olmec.” Said the plaintiffs’ spokesperson, “they have lost so much, merely so a few preteens could win a trip to Space Camp.”

Nickelodeon executives deny responsibility. They state they are sorry for the plaintiffs’ losses but maintain the damages happened due to the rogue and un-sanctioned actions of the show’s host, Kirk Fogg.