Streetview Zombie Apocalypse
Muppets With People Eyes
Great books translated into barcodes
Resort To Cannibalism!
While you check the weather, I find out why California dermatologists hate the one weird skin care secret discovered by a stay-at-home mom. While you read the New York Times, I rollover for more information about how to get my diabetes under control. While you search IMDB, I click for showtimes, tickets, and behind-the-scenes videos for Think Like a Man. Page after page, banner after banner, I click and I click.
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An epic heroic tale of plugging and unplugging the power cord of a wireless router:
But then one gray morning did Internet Explorer 6 no longer load The Google. Refresh was clicked, again and again, but still did Internet Explorer 6 not load The Google. Perhaps The Google was broken, the people thought, but then The Yahoo too did not load. Nor did Hotmail. Nor USAToday.com. The land was thrown into panic. Internet Explorer 6 was minimized then maximized. The Compaq Presario was unplugged then plugged back in. The old mouse was brought out and plugged in beside the new mouse. Still, The Google did not load.
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Exciting literary news: On The Bro’d, my full-length bro-speak parody of Kerouac’s On The Road, will be published in April and is now available for pre-order. Get your copy now before the keg is totally tapped.
Starting right now, you can pre-order your very own copy of On The Bro’d. Unlike this chump of a blog that just has some lame-ass excerpts, the book version of On The Bro’d contains the entirety of Kerouac’s On The Road translated into off-the-chain, crunk-as-hell bro-speak.
Shit drops in April, bros.
What, you expected some kind of hero’s welcome because you fixed an older couple’s router during a routine HDTV setup? Not from me, hotshot. You’re a goddamn TV install technician. That is fucking it. You hit anything else, you call for backup. I don’t give two shits what kind of home networking crap you pulled in the academy. There is an order here for a reason.
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately PowerPoint decree:
For VP of Logistics, Stan
And key stakeholders of the plan
For scaling in Q3.
So ninety slides so media-rich
With animations on every switch.
And here were slides rife with sinuous clip art
Where blossomed many a stick figure with a key;
And here a line, pie, scatter, and bar chart,
Enfolding watermarked stock photography.
But oh! that massive romantic flowchart which raked
Down multiple slides athwart notes of automation!
A savage place! as convoluted and opaque
As e’er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By a manager wailing for best practices for escalation!
Or read the original.
WHOA! The balloons just flew away when you clicked! You just “liked” us on Facebook! Thanks!! DANCE MUSIC!!!!! OH WOW a whole cityscape just popped up! Click each building to learn about the key principles of our cooking! Come on! Fine. To get to the menu, just click the building that looks like a dojo! WHOA NOW YOU’RE FLYING THROUGH A VIRUTAL CITYSCAPE JUST LIKE—uh oh. Try closing any other open applications on your computer. Are you using Internet Explorer 6? It’s best if you’re using Internet Explorer 6. Give it a minute.
An aging HVAC repairman has a bold vision to get his company on the internets.
So how do we scroll to a new window and out of this pickle? Easy. First, I need you to fix up our webpage (I think the AOL passcode is in my desk). Correct the phone number on the contact page and build a FaceLook-like web system with frequently updated original content. Manny said that’s how to get repeat customers. Then I need you to find out what Second Life is and how we get our phone number up there. Finally, hook our vans up to the internet so customers can track our position from their TVs.
And what of the classic character Nathan Detroit? Directors are too often tempted to portray him as flat and simple, a good-hearted gambler trying to do his best despite his flaws. Not I! In Nathan, I see the very rending of the garments of society, the sturm und drang of a humanity in crisis… He is not one man, but a pitiful pastiche of globalism gone wrong. His refusal to marry Adelaide maps chillingly onto BP’s refusal to stop the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. You will notice in this production, Nathan Detroit is played by three actors representing China, Big Food, and America’s abandonment of manned space exploration, respectively. Watch carefully as each actor appears shorter throughout the arc of the story.
By popular demand, McSweeney’s has changed my piece to the titular font.
Read this at McSweeney’s.
You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don’t like that I’m all over your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what, Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros.
Including:
