July 20, 2012

Pre-Internet Companies Rebranded As Modern-Day Start-Ups

  • StandrdOi.ly
  • yoonyun pacificster
  • genrl lectricly
  • westinghouseable

Read the rest at McSweeney’s

July 9, 2012

The McSweeney’s Book of Politics and Musicals

This very moment you can buy a copy of The McSweeney’s Book of Politics and Musicals, which contains things written by people from The Onion, The Daily Show, and under-attended tumblrs.

Once you purchase it, you should turn immediately to the pieces I have written:

June 14, 2012

You Are the Only Human Being Left On Earth Not In Graduate School: A Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare

Like The Omega Man, except everyone is in grad school instead of dead.

You step outside and find the streets deserted. You pull out your phone to see if some catastrophe has occurred. Disease? Neutron bomb? War? Are you left alone in an evacuation zone? You see Facebook is still abuzz with activity, but all of your friends are posting about how much they hate finals. “These people graduated college years ago…” you think. A scrap of paper blows down the street like a tumbleweed and lands on your leg. You look at it: an admissions letter from the NYU creative writing MFA program. Then it hits you. You are the last human left on earth. Everyone else has gone to graduate school.

Read the rest at McSweeney’s

April 26, 2012

I Am The One Who Clicks Banner Ads

While you check the weather, I find out why California dermatologists hate the one weird skin care secret discovered by a stay-at-home mom. While you read the New York Times, I rollover for more information about how to get my diabetes under control. While you search IMDB, I click for showtimes, tickets, and behind-the-scenes videos for Think Like a Man. Page after page, banner after banner, I click and I click.

Read the rest on McSweeney’s

January 20, 2012

In Which I Fix My Girlfriend’s Grandparents’ WiFi and Am Hailed as a Conquering Hero

An epic heroic tale of plugging and unplugging the power cord of a wireless router:

But then one gray morning did Internet Explorer 6 no longer load The Google. Refresh was clicked, again and again, but still did Internet Explorer 6 not load The Google. Perhaps The Google was broken, the people thought, but then The Yahoo too did not load. Nor did Hotmail. Nor USAToday.com. The land was thrown into panic. Internet Explorer 6 was minimized then maximized. The Compaq Presario was unplugged then plugged back in. The old mouse was brought out and plugged in beside the new mouse. Still, The Google did not load.

Read the rest on McSweeney’s

January 10, 2012

Pre-Order Your Copy of On The Bro’d

Exciting literary news: On The Bro’d, my full-length bro-speak parody of Kerouac’s On The Road, will be published in April and is now available for pre-order. Get your copy now before the keg is totally tapped.

onthebrod:

Starting right now, you can pre-order your very own copy of On The Bro’d. Unlike this chump of a blog that just has some lame-ass excerpts, the book version of On The Bro’d contains the entirety of Kerouac’s On The Road translated into off-the-chain, crunk-as-hell bro-speak.

Shit drops in April, bros.

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Adams Media

IndieBound

June 21, 2011

Your Renegade Ways Have No Place In Geek Squad

What, you expected some kind of hero’s welcome because you fixed an older couple’s router during a routine HDTV setup? Not from me, hotshot. You’re a goddamn TV install technician. That is fucking it. You hit anything else, you call for backup. I don’t give two shits what kind of home networking crap you pulled in the academy. There is an order here for a reason.

Read the rest at McSweeney’s

April 15, 2011

In Xanadu Did Kubla Khan A Stately PowerPoint Decree

 

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately PowerPoint decree: 
For VP of Logistics, Stan
And key stakeholders of the plan
For scaling in Q3.

So ninety slides so media-rich
With animations on every switch. 
And here were slides rife with sinuous clip art
Where blossomed many a stick figure with a key; 
And here a line, pie, scatter, and bar chart, 
Enfolding watermarked stock photography. 
But oh! that massive romantic flowchart which raked
Down multiple slides athwart notes of automation! 
A savage place! as convoluted and opaque
As e’er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By a manager wailing for best practices for escalation!

Read the rest at McSweeney’s

Or read the original.

January 10, 2011

If This Fusion Restaurant’s Website Could Talk

WHOA! The balloons just flew away when you clicked! You just “liked” us on Facebook! Thanks!! DANCE MUSIC!!!!! OH WOW a whole cityscape just popped up! Click each building to learn about the key principles of our cooking! Come on! Fine. To get to the menu, just click the building that looks like a dojo! WHOA NOW YOU’RE FLYING THROUGH A VIRUTAL CITYSCAPE JUST LIKE—uh oh. Try closing any other open applications on your computer. Are you using Internet Explorer 6? It’s best if you’re using Internet Explorer 6. Give it a minute.

Read the rest on McSweeney’s

October 1, 2010
Welcome To Our A Capella Group!

August 24, 2010

Monetize Our Tweetclicks

An aging HVAC repairman has a bold vision to get his company on the internets.

So how do we scroll to a new window and out of this pickle? Easy.  First, I need you to fix up our webpage (I think the AOL passcode is in my desk). Correct the phone number on the contact page and build a FaceLook-like web system with frequently updated original content. Manny said that’s how to get repeat customers. Then I need you to find out what  Second Life  is and how we get our phone number up there. Finally, hook our vans up to the internet so customers can track our position from their TVs.

 Read it at the Barnes and Noble Review

July 29, 2010

Director’s Program Notes For A Dramatic Reimagining of Guys and Dolls

And what of the classic character Nathan Detroit? Directors are too often tempted to portray him as flat and simple, a good-hearted gambler trying to do his best despite his flaws. Not I! In Nathan, I see the very rending of the garments of society, the sturm und drang of a humanity in crisis… He is not one man, but a pitiful pastiche of globalism gone wrong. His refusal to marry Adelaide maps chillingly onto BP’s refusal to stop the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. You will notice in this production, Nathan Detroit is played by three actors representing China, Big Food, and America’s abandonment of manned space exploration, respectively. Watch carefully as each actor appears shorter throughout the arc of the story.

Read the whole thing at McSweeney’s